mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

mTk

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Interviewer: Let's talk about weaknesses.
Me: I eat paper.
Interviewer: That would explain the gap in your resume.

Imagine if Britany said "Rats, I did it again!"

Me: "Look, there's a deer!"
Hunter: "Don't spook it."
Me: *Slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack.*

Humans: We're not like snakes.
Also humans: Mmmm. Eggs.

Sweden announces plans to get 100% of energy from unguarded wall outlet in Finland by 2030.

Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it be justwater.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and, if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
 

steve

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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
 

mTk

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If we had let everyone eat the Tide pods when they wanted to they wouldn't be out here licking the ice cream.
-
Toyota recalls 1993 Camry due to fact that owners really should have bought something new by now.
-
her: Take off my bra.
me: OK.
her: Take off my panties.
me: Wow. OK.
her: Stop wearing my clothes.
 
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steve

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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

For Drizzle.



Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed some space.



........just off to get my coat..... :sofa: :sofa::sofa:
 

mTk

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Anti-vaxxer: Vaccines literally injects you with a disease/illness you could possibly have no association with just to fight it off. My kids will pass.
Me: Oh, they'll pass alright.
---
Her: What's worse than a heart break?
Me: Ever bought a game for the full price and then see it on sale the next week?
---
Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.
---
I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not 27.
 
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mTk

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Two cowboys were lost in the desert and were starving hungry.
Finally, they see a tree in the distance draped in bacon.
"Look!" says one cowboy. "It's a bacon tree. We're saved."
He turns to the tree, but suddenly is shot down in a hail of bullets.
With last dying breath he says "It's not a bacon tree...it's a ham bush."
----
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.
The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
"You've given me one too many."
"That one is the freebie."
---
Have You Ever Noticed
That people won't take the time to look up important information, but they'll spend fifteen minutes taking a quiz to find out what kind of potato they are?
 
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mTk

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What is the one thing that became more clear as you got older?
Why the Grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.
---
"We will continue having meetings until we find out why no work is getting done."
---
Just told my kids I'm older than Google.
They think I'm kidding.
---
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
 
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mTk

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Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off work after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
---
I remember when I used to see a bee and go, Yikes a bee! And now I'm all, oh wow, a bee. Hi!
You OK there? Need anything? Can I get you a drink? A cushion? Wanna borrow the car?
----
How Social Media Works:
Me: "I prefer mangoes to oranges..."
Random Person: "So, basically what you are saying is that you hate oranges.
You also failed to mention pineapples, bananas, and grapefruits. Educate yourself."
---
An old, blind Cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club.'
3. I'm a six foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy...do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
(I really like that one.)
 

Hedgehog

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Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off work after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
---
I remember when I used to see a bee and go, Yikes a bee! And now I'm all, oh wow, a bee. Hi!
You OK there? Need anything? Can I get you a drink? A cushion? Wanna borrow the car?
----
How Social Media Works:
Me: "I prefer mangoes to oranges..."
Random Person: "So, basically what you are saying is that you hate oranges.
You also failed to mention pineapples, bananas, and grapefruits. Educate yourself."
---
An old, blind Cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club.'
3. I'm a six foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy...do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
(I really like that one.)
Almost like reading a book mate,
 
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