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mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

Laundry:
Washing - 30 minutes
Drying - 60 minutes
Putting Away - 7 to 10 business days
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When pirate Jean Lafitte saw the Governor advertising a $500 reward for his capture,
Lafitte offered $5,000 for the capture of the governor.
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I didn't know that I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo.
That's still a very low number of rodeos.
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Being a man it not easy, no make-up, no wig...if you're ugly, you're ugly.
Nothing can save you...except money!
 
I just began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it!
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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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Everyone told Sam not to sing, but Samsung anyway.
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Every machine is a smoke machine...if you operate it wrong enough.
 
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say "No."
They're going to kill me anyway and I'd want to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
 
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I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid.
I called the front desk and they told me they had a Dr. on staff.
After he made me feel better, I told him I was a amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor.
He nodded and said "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
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Apparently some of you need a little help with this one. It was likely before you time. If not, then you are old and possibly have forgotten.
Anyway, here's a clue.

 
I went into a pub the other day and ate a ploughmans lunch.........

He was furious.
 
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Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your resume?
Me: That's when I went to yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
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100-200 years ago, people ate organic unprocessed food and didn't have vaccines and lived to the ripe old age
of child birth.
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Do you ever wonder how many houses you've passed in your life time that have people locked in the basement?
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Law professor: You are currently failing your ethics class.
Me: *Slides a $20 across the desk* How about now?
 
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