mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

HOA_KSOP

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I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
And you groan about my puns, eh?
 

Hedgehog

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Did you ever drink an iced coffee that was so strong that for like four minutes you had hope?
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Some people don't understand that sitting in your own house alone in peace, eating snacks and minding your own business is f*****g priceless!
Priceless indeed
 

HOA_KSOP

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How are mTk's jokes like a horse?

They pull up lame.

(That's a HOA original - BOOYAH!)
 

mTk

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Laundry:
Washing - 30 minutes
Drying - 60 minutes
Putting Away - 7 to 10 business days
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When pirate Jean Lafitte saw the Governor advertising a $500 reward for his capture,
Lafitte offered $5,000 for the capture of the governor.
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I didn't know that I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo.
That's still a very low number of rodeos.
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Being a man it not easy, no make-up, no wig...if you're ugly, you're ugly.
Nothing can save you...except money!
 

mTk

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I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid.
I called the front desk and they told me they had a Dr. on staff.
After he made me feel better, I told him I was a amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor.
He nodded and said "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
 

mTk

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I just began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it!
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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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Everyone told Sam not to sing, but Samsung anyway.
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Every machine is a smoke machine...if you operate it wrong enough.
 

mTk

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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say "No."
They're going to kill me anyway and I'd want to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
 
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mTk

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I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid.
I called the front desk and they told me they had a Dr. on staff.
After he made me feel better, I told him I was a amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor.
He nodded and said "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
---------------
Apparently some of you need a little help with this one. It was likely before you time. If not, then you are old and possibly have forgotten.
Anyway, here's a clue.

 

steve

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I went into a pub the other day and ate a ploughmans lunch.........

He was furious.
 
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mTk

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So, I've been writing movie reviews for about ten years.
My wife's review of "Alien" puts everything I have written to shame.
"Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and...her cat. Four stars."
 

mTk

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Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your resume?
Me: That's when I went to yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
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100-200 years ago, people ate organic unprocessed food and didn't have vaccines and lived to the ripe old age
of child birth.
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Do you ever wonder how many houses you've passed in your life time that have people locked in the basement?
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Law professor: You are currently failing your ethics class.
Me: *Slides a $20 across the desk* How about now?
 
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