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mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

Interviewer: Let's talk about weaknesses.
Me: I eat paper.
Interviewer: That would explain the gap in your resume.

Imagine if Britany said "Rats, I did it again!"

Me: "Look, there's a deer!"
Hunter: "Don't spook it."
Me: *Slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack.*

Humans: We're not like snakes.
Also humans: Mmmm. Eggs.

Sweden announces plans to get 100% of energy from unguarded wall outlet in Finland by 2030.

Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it be justwater.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and, if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
 
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
 
If we had let everyone eat the Tide pods when they wanted to they wouldn't be out here licking the ice cream.
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Toyota recalls 1993 Camry due to fact that owners really should have bought something new by now.
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her: Take off my bra.
me: OK.
her: Take off my panties.
me: Wow. OK.
her: Stop wearing my clothes.
 
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Lottery
4yvobfo.jpg
 
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

For Drizzle.



Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed some space.



........just off to get my coat..... :sofa: :sofa::sofa:
 
Anti-vaxxer: Vaccines literally injects you with a disease/illness you could possibly have no association with just to fight it off. My kids will pass.
Me: Oh, they'll pass alright.
---
Her: What's worse than a heart break?
Me: Ever bought a game for the full price and then see it on sale the next week?
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Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.
---
I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not 27.
 
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Two cowboys were lost in the desert and were starving hungry.
Finally, they see a tree in the distance draped in bacon.
"Look!" says one cowboy. "It's a bacon tree. We're saved."
He turns to the tree, but suddenly is shot down in a hail of bullets.
With last dying breath he says "It's not a bacon tree...it's a ham bush."
----
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.
The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
"You've given me one too many."
"That one is the freebie."
---
Have You Ever Noticed
That people won't take the time to look up important information, but they'll spend fifteen minutes taking a quiz to find out what kind of potato they are?
 
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What is the one thing that became more clear as you got older?
Why the Grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.
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"We will continue having meetings until we find out why no work is getting done."
---
Just told my kids I'm older than Google.
They think I'm kidding.
---
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
 
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Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off work after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
---
I remember when I used to see a bee and go, Yikes a bee! And now I'm all, oh wow, a bee. Hi!
You OK there? Need anything? Can I get you a drink? A cushion? Wanna borrow the car?
----
How Social Media Works:
Me: "I prefer mangoes to oranges..."
Random Person: "So, basically what you are saying is that you hate oranges.
You also failed to mention pineapples, bananas, and grapefruits. Educate yourself."
---
An old, blind Cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club.'
3. I'm a six foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy...do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
(I really like that one.)
 
Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off work after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
---
I remember when I used to see a bee and go, Yikes a bee! And now I'm all, oh wow, a bee. Hi!
You OK there? Need anything? Can I get you a drink? A cushion? Wanna borrow the car?
----
How Social Media Works:
Me: "I prefer mangoes to oranges..."
Random Person: "So, basically what you are saying is that you hate oranges.
You also failed to mention pineapples, bananas, and grapefruits. Educate yourself."
---
An old, blind Cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club.'
3. I'm a six foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy...do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...
(I really like that one.)
Almost like reading a book mate,
 
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