mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

steve

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Last night I told my husband I heard a noise.
He walked out to go check on it in his underwear, armed with just his phone flashlight.
It's nice to know that if we ever wind up in a horror movie, I won't be the first to die.
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Almost a stool pigeon........
 

mTk

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"I think the golden rule for men should be: Don't say anything to a woman on the street that you wouldn't want a man saying to you in prison."
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The quarantine has strained many marriages, but for some of us it has enhanced our relationships.
I'm lucky to have the most loving wife.
Last night I woke up while she was holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from COVID-19.
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Me: I won't make it!
Her: It's a toe cramp.
Me: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood!
Her: That's sweat.
Me: Tell my story.
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Congratulations upon getting married!
Today your relationship is unshakable.
A few years from now everything will be put to the test
after you buy the wrong kind of bread.
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mTk

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Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks?
Mini-soda.
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A pretty lady in a restaurant just asked me, "Are you single?"
I happily replied, "Yes."
She then took away the extra chair from my table.
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me: [snuggled in bed] Oh, wow, this is nice.
legs: OMG so warm.
feet: OMG so warm.
hands: OMG so warm.
bladder: Hey guys...
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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll ya' have?"
The rabbit says, "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
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The older I get, the less surprised I think I'd be
if a random body part just fell off one day.
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If you run into someone you know and they say, "We should hang out sometime."
Just say, "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medication today.
The good news is, I am now protected from heartworms and fleas for the next three months.
 
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mTk

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Congratulations to the astronauts that left earth today.
Good choice.
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Aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors.
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Wife: "I'm pissed!"
Husband: "Again or still?"
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Customer: "Where are the Arnold Schwartzenegger action figures sold?"
Sales Clerk: "Aisle B, back."
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Science tip:
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention
to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
 
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mTk

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Her: "My cat died. I want another just like that one!"
Me: "Why the hell would you want two dead cats?"
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Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden
from the world and have them all to your self?
Well, apparently, that's called kidnapping.
 
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