Some good chemistry:
Why Iron-Man and why not FE-male?
This joke is not for everyone.
Me: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"
Waitress: *slaps me across the face* "It's none of your business about the men I please!"
Priest: Do you read to your children from the Holy Book?
Priest: What is there favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the Ring.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Neighbor: Your dog was barking at 4:00 in the morning!
Me: It's almost like he has no concept of time.
My dad used to say: "When one door shuts, another one opens."
Wonderful man. Terrible cabinet maker.
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet I did.
Me: I have a lot of unemployment jokes.
You: Are you going to tell one?
Me: No. None of them work.
Overheard one kid at the Mall of America tell his friends he had to get his wisdom teeth out
and his friend says "Why, gotta make room for some more dicks?"
Wow. Insults have really come a long way since I was a kid.
It takes guts to become an...organ donor.
Bring cocaine to the airport so you can pet the dogs.
Me: I'm not saying a word until my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE a lawyer.
Me: So where's my present?
You can't buy hot pockets.
You can only buy cold pockets.
You are expected to supply the heat yourself.
Don't believe the lies.
** Creating Bees **
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, Boss.
God: Give 'em the greatest knees of all time.
Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here.
Me: This is a service burrito.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
Stop being the bigger person.
Slash their tires.
Definition: Snaccident (n)
Eating an entire pizza/box of chocolates/family size bag of crisps
You have $10,000.
Your best friends needs $3000.
Your girlfriend needs $5000.
How much do you have left?
$10,000 and two unread messages.
Imagine one day if we unlock the other 98% of milk.