My wife just birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said: "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the parking lot."
"Listen dude, sarcasm will get you nowhere in life."
"Well, it got me to the Sarcasm World Championship in Peru back in '98!"
Person on the phone: "Hello, am I speaking to the head of the household?"
Me, handing the phone to my cat: "Here, it's for you."
Instructor: Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to learn how to dance?
Me, hiding a bag of tortilla chips: There's been a misunderstanding.
Headline: Scam Artist Caught
Police arrested scam artist John Young, who tricked people into buying some sort of substance which he named the "Elixir of Immortality."
Upon questioning, the police discovered that John has a criminal record, being arrested for the same felony in 2004, 1965, 1923 and 1866.
I remember I was soo angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real!
I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
"Nice tree dad! Are you going to put it up yourself?"
"No. I will put it in the living room."
Headline: Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking Nap!
Me: I guess two people got fired that day.
I'm genuinely jealous of people who don't know the struggle of having a long distance relationship with someone.
You have no idea how bad it sucks not being able to see the girl I'm in love with just because the judge said I'm not allowed to be within 1,000 feet of her.
(Taylor, call me.)
A friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital.
Her husband named the kid, Carson.
And if you don't think that is the best dad joke ever just get out of my face!
I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich owned cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. How the stables have turned.
OK, I'm outta here.
Wait! One more.
We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...Minneapolis?
I grew up a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries.
Hummingbirds: I shall sip nectar from this flower in a silent ballet.
Woodpeckers: IMMA STAB THE BUGS OUTTA THIS TREE WITH MY KNIFE-FACE!!
If she eats her french fried with a fork, she's not gonna want to do anything you like.
Every dog that you've ever seen riding in a car had absolutely no idea where it was going.
Imagine living like that.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
I am convinced that crochet (and knitting) is witch's Black Magic.
My wife does that stuff...
She sits there, with two magic wands, performing complex movements, while chanting and cursing, looking at a spell book...
And then, blanket.
On the plus side, I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades. - Helen Keller
I asked an EOD guy once about the stress of bomb defusing.
He shrugged and said "It's not. I'm either right or suddenly it's not my problem anymore."
I try to stick to that prospective.
Whoever came up with the saying "If you want something done right, do it your self"
obviously didn't take into consideration that myself is an idiot.