I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don' go in there! Don't go in the church you moron!"
She's watching our wedding video again.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Had a few drinks.
He's a web designer.
I can't find my "Gone In 60 Seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No, but I'll wrestle you for it.
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russel Crowe movie."
"No. I really miss her."
My boss told me to have a good day.
So, I went home.
A sweater I bought was picking up a lot of static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.
God: You're a buffalo.
God: You live on the prairie.
God: You sound excited.
Buffalo: I am. Is it time for me to go?
God: If you are ready.
Buffalo: OK, bye Dad.
Thank goodness I don't have to hunt for my own food.
I don't even know where tacos live.
In a corn maze I thought I was being stalked.
It was earie.
I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda.
It was a Fanta Sea.
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora.
It means a lot.
So I was at a Walmart earlier.
A woman was looking at frozen turkeys; she couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
He replied with a straight face, "No ma'am, they're dead."