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mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

Back to my roots:
What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?
A faux pa.
Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?
Because the ghosts will bring their own boos.
Someone stole all my lamps and you'd think I'd be upset...but I'm actually delighted.
I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life.
It's called an oughtobiography.
Bada boom!
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Hmmm . . . I find cisgender so confusing . . . . o_O

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FGM Company Sergeant Major
May 19, 2016
I just had a physical.
The doctor said "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "Like bacon and burgers?"
He said, "No, fatty. Don’t eat anything!"

I demanded a second opinion.
He said "Fine! You're not just fat, you're ugly too!"
Me: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Him: If you say addict-ionary I swear I'll cut you.
Me: I was going to say "high-definition" but yours is better.
There's nothing like it when your game loads for a couple of seconds and you see yourself in the black mirror
of your monitor and you have a brief clearness of mind and think..."What the fook am I doing with my life?"
And then the happy colors come back and you forget all your problems.
While I do subscribe to the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" philosophy there is a definite case to be made for
"Slightly Irritated wife, Amusing Life" theory as well.
My body is not a temple. It is a Federation starship with critical hull damage and shields at 0%.
Some of my friends exercise every day.
Meanwhile, I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
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