Back to my roots:
What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?
A faux pa.
Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?
Because the ghosts will bring their own boos.
Someone stole all my lamps and you'd think I'd be upset...but I'm actually delighted.
I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life.
It's called an oughtobiography.
Me: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Him: If you say addict-ionary I swear I'll cut you.
Me: I was going to say "high-definition" but yours is better.
There's nothing like it when your game loads for a couple of seconds and you see yourself in the black mirror
of your monitor and you have a brief clearness of mind and think..."What the fook am I doing with my life?"
And then the happy colors come back and you forget all your problems.
While I do subscribe to the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" philosophy there is a definite case to be made for
"Slightly Irritated wife, Amusing Life" theory as well.
My body is not a temple. It is a Federation starship with critical hull damage and shields at 0%.
Some of my friends exercise every day.
Meanwhile, I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: How do Romulan frogs hide from predators?
You: I don't know. How?
Me: They use a croaking device.
Me: Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
You: No idea
Me: It is because it is a pastryarchy.