mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

mTk

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I may be drinking too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Why do men hate birthdays so much?
We're tired of getting socks from people who expect boat cruises from us.
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Reached the age where sleeping with the wrong pillow feels like I fell out of a 12th floor window.
 

mTk

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Bologna is just hot dogs for people who like pancakes.
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NHL: Hockey is postponed indefinitely.
*Two hours later*
Canada: We have a cure.
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After seeing how the public panics over the Coronavirus...
I can see why the government would never tell us about the Aliens.
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As U.N. doctors move across a dead America, sifting through 320 million corpses, a trend emerges:
"Their asses...spotlessly clean. All of them..."
 
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Gunner

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Their asses, that's a good one.
:giggle:

I still can't get my head around the toilet paper rush. :rolleyes:
 

mTk

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OK. I've come up with with a new dating app.
You match people who are on the same meds as you.
I'd call it "Relationscript."
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Night #1 of no sports: My wife and I just had an hour long conversation.
She's really nice, apparently she works in the medical filed.
Also, TV's are black when they are off.
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What's the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo and Juliet?
One is a Corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.
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Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on yet?
 

mTk

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Now all the sports fans know how it felt when Firefly got canceled.
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Disneyland:
Due to health concerns, we encourage you to enjoy the Disneyland experience from
your home...by eating sugar and inviting a baby over to scream.
To get started just shred $300.
 
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mTk

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Me: Diarrhea is hereditary.
You: Uh, how's that?
Me: It runs in your jeans.
You:
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In the U.S., people are stocking up on TP and weed.
For shits & giggles.
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A Dr. from Duke just messaged me that their hospital "is out of hand sanitizer" because someone stole the truck.
It was a clean getaway.
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Her: Dammt! You only lasted three minutes that time!
Me: It's was doggie style so, basically that's 21 minutes.
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Me: I need to call a doctor.
You: Which doctor?
Me: No, the regular kind.
 

mTk

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos,
and I am satisfying enough for you to want me again when you are desperate.
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A lot of you probably have coronavirus because one symptom is having no taste.
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<click> on this to access all of them.
 
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