I may be drinking too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Why do men hate birthdays so much?
We're tired of getting socks from people who expect boat cruises from us.
Reached the age where sleeping with the wrong pillow feels like I fell out of a 12th floor window.
Bologna is just hot dogs for people who like pancakes.
NHL: Hockey is postponed indefinitely.
*Two hours later*
Canada: We have a cure.
After seeing how the public panics over the Coronavirus...
I can see why the government would never tell us about the Aliens.
As U.N. doctors move across a dead America, sifting through 320 million corpses, a trend emerges:
"Their asses...spotlessly clean. All of them..."
OK. I've come up with with a new dating app.
You match people who are on the same meds as you.
I'd call it "Relationscript."
Night #1 of no sports: My wife and I just had an hour long conversation.
She's really nice, apparently she works in the medical filed.
Also, TV's are black when they are off.
What's the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo and Juliet?
One is a Corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.
Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on yet?
Now all the sports fans know how it felt when Firefly got canceled.
Due to health concerns, we encourage you to enjoy the Disneyland experience from
your home...by eating sugar and inviting a baby over to scream.
To get started just shred $300.
Me: Diarrhea is hereditary.
You: Uh, how's that?
Me: It runs in your jeans.
In the U.S., people are stocking up on TP and weed.
For shits & giggles.
A Dr. from Duke just messaged me that their hospital "is out of hand sanitizer" because someone stole the truck.
It was a clean getaway.
Her: Dammt! You only lasted three minutes that time!
Me: It's was doggie style so, basically that's 21 minutes.
Me: I need to call a doctor.
You: Which doctor?
Me: No, the regular kind.
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos,
and I am satisfying enough for you to want me again when you are desperate.
A lot of you probably have coronavirus because one symptom is having no taste.
<click> on this to access all of them.