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mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

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Priest: Do you read to your children from the Holy Book?
Me: Yes.
Priest: What is there favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the Ring.
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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Neighbor: Your dog was barking at 4:00 in the morning!
Me: It's almost like he has no concept of time.
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My dad used to say: "When one door shuts, another one opens."
Wonderful man. Terrible cabinet maker.
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A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet I did.
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Me: I have a lot of unemployment jokes.
You: Are you going to tell one?
Me: No. None of them work.
 
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Bring cocaine to the airport so you can pet the dogs.
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Me: I'm not saying a word until my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE a lawyer.
Me: So where's my present?
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You can't buy hot pockets.
You can only buy cold pockets.
You are expected to supply the heat yourself.
Don't believe the lies.
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** Creating Bees **
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, Boss.
God: Give 'em the greatest knees of all time.
 
Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here.
Me: This is a service burrito.
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
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Stop being the bigger person.
Slash their tires.
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Definition: Snaccident (n)
Eating an entire pizza/box of chocolates/family size bag of crisps
by mistake
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You have $10,000.
Your best friends needs $3000.
Your girlfriend needs $5000.
How much do you have left?
$10,000 and two unread messages.
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Imagine one day if we unlock the other 98% of milk.
 
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